Momming Ain’t Easy

August 20, 2018

Let me start by saying if you're here visiting from my Instagram or Facebook post, to check out if I am a horrible mother and criticize, you can stop reading now. I'm not a horrible mother.  I do tend to voice my thoughts on motherhood out loud but I'm a grown adult that can differentiate fantasy from reality.  Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. It’s emotionally exhausting. The thought of putting my kids up for sale when I’m about to flip my lid, does COMICALLY cross my mind.  I'd never really put my kids up for sale nor give it a serious second thought.  I realize that I'm not special to motherhood in the sense that I have it harder than any other mom out there. However, I do think momming comes easier for some than others.  Particularly mothers who aren't in recovery and aren't constantly having to keep themselves "spiritually fit" to avoid relapse.  


There's also a heap of mothers in recovery (and not in recovery) with Mental Illness. I'm in recovery, and I'm only speaking for myself. It's no secret that after my drug and alcohol use, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and adhd.  After my first I had PPD and PPA but I didn't want to treat it- "I can do this motherhood thing just like anyone else".  Oh how I want to go back and hug past me, and let her know that there is no shame in getting help for it.   Come my second child I had PPD and PPA (again)- it's been a roller coaster to say the least.  This time I talked to my doctor about it.  I got medicated for it low dose, third trimester, and the dosage was upped after he was born.   Sometimes that anxiety in my chest gets so tight, I don't know how to breathe.  Irrational thoughts about things happening to my children, and in morbid details.   Momming with those thoughts going on inside my head isn't an easy task.  


Other mornings it isn't but 30 minutes before I'm counting down to nap time.  Heck, some days I'm counting down to bedtime before they even wake up from their nap.  I'm a believer in talking about the stressful days and expressing the guilt I feel around not having a desire to be a mom in certain moments.  I realize that sometimes that can put people off but if talking about it can resonate with one mama out there then *uck the popular opinion.   You can also bet my ass the rewarding moments surpass that feeling, but when those rewarding moments happen, I'm filled with guilt for the thoughts that filled my head during the tough ones.  Where is the balance in motherhood!? Is there a balance?  


Some afternoons I question how on earth God even blessed me with these two little beings that accept and love me for all my flaws and mistakes.  Who forgive me for yelling at them just one minute prior to the kisses and hugs they offer me.  They're so beautiful.  And I am so lucky.  I know these days don't last forever, but some days they are so hard. Obviously I'd do the hard days ten times over, to hear that first "I love you mom", first giggle, and receive all the smiles and kisses in between.  Because in between all those hard as hell days, are beautiful moments that tie my heart strings together, and keep me humble.  Afterall, I wouldn't be the person I am today without my boys and right now, I am the best version of myself I have ever been. 


So what I'm currently working on with my oils is acceptance of the small frames in time that present me hard moments.  I choose to associate the smell of Peace and Calming with a chance to refuel.  I literally pop it in the diffuser, and sit back for ten minutes and let the madness unfold.  If given the chance I mumble out loud, "this too shall pass" or "they're only little once" or "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast".  Of course, 9/10 times that I do this, the kids stop the madness and want to come invade my space and what I'm trying to do, but I'll take it! We will sit and inhale Peace and Calming, and exhale chaos- while embracing it all and each other. 


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