If you know me, you know that Jon and I aren't married. I often dabble between the words "partner", "boyfriend", and "father of my kids", not knowing which will be most socially acceptable to the person on the receiving end of the conversation. Despite the fact we aren't married, we are still very much committed to each other. I mean, God bless this man, and I thank the Lord (almost) everyday that he intertwined this man into my life.
We met when I was active in my addictions, on Match.com. Though I played many men on that site, needing and wanting to fill an empty hurt in my soul, and feeling of inadequacy of not being enough, Jon was not one of them. I kept him a bay, as a friend, for a reason I only know now: I wasn't ready for him in my life in that way then, but I would be once I was sober.
Fast forward three years to 2013, Jon was one of the first people I connected and was open with with via text message while still in rehab. He didn't seem completely surprised (go figure), and was actually a little relieved that I wasn't as spacey as I had been acting a few short months prior. Anyway, part of my recovery treatment plan was to move out of my parents' house within three months of being out of treatment. Jon, offered to let me stay at his place in Kirkland, while he was flipping a house up North, we became roommates for a year before dating and the rest is history!
In the last four years we've been together, we have have been pregnant three times. Two boys, and a miscarriage in between. So, I have been pregnant and or breastfeeding more than 3/4s of our relationship. With pregnancy and postpartum (for me), comes not feeling the sexiest I've ever felt in my life. As well as raging hormones. When we have adult time to ourselves, I simply just don't want to be touched because I am touched ALL day.
Yesterday morning, I had a little "ah-ha" moment. And I'm glad it came to me. As my youngest was waking up on the monitor, Jon was trying to get frisky. Usually, I cue out. I can't get in the mood with a baby talking/crying/whatever in the background. This morning, I decided to choose US. I turned down the monitor, and focused on the man that is my partner in this life gig of parenthood. I realized how important it was, and that it needs to be done more often. It's so hard to get lost in the hustle and bustle of the Chafe Tribe that I legit forget the love that was there that brought us the same babies that are leaving the both of us without time for each other.
I'm not sure what making time for each other will look like in the future, but I do know, that connecting again felt really good. I was really missing that piece, as was he. So I'm going to try a little bit each day, to find a moment to choose US, each day.
Our 2nd date, on my 29th birthday. Washington State Fair